Behold, A New Thing

I keep describing the last four months as a wild ride of trying to trust God, getting it wrong (or right for the moment, and then wrong, and then right again, for now *crazy eyes*), and questioning the mysteries of God’s will, my will, and the conflation of these two things into one mushy pile of conviction and desire, surrender and alignment.

What on earth am I talking about?

Back in June, Brandon decided it was time to go back to seminary and finish the degree he started over a decade ago. To do that well meant leaving his full-time job, which also meant leaving behind insurance benefits and the stability of his income. As you might know, I’ve been a freelance writer the last year and a half, a job shift I chose so I could hopefully recover from long-Covid (which mostly I have… mostly, most of the time), which has turned into my most favorite way to live ever. The freelance life has been a gift of flexibility, healing, and full operation of my gifts as a writer. It has also given me so much space to serve in my local church, answer nudges toward various ministry opportunities, have coffee and conversations with new friends, teach adult Sunday school classes, offer a writers workshop at the local library, make dinner (which feels sacred to me these days), and be fully present for my family when they come home, with no brain fog and exhaustion.

I’ve been living my best life, which for me comes with a side dish of guilt. Why should I get to do exactly what I want to do, and be relatively successful at it, when so many other people aren’t able to do that? Is this a Midwestern thing? A Protestant work ethic thing? Shouldn’t I be more miserable, as a consequence of the Fall and all that?  

Instead of trying to figure out a way to keep living my best life while Brandon pursued a degree in practical theology (essentially, how do you live out what you believe about God), I decided the best solution would be to see if the local university, the one I used to work for almost a decade ago, was hiring. It turned out they were, in fact, hiring, and in a job that I could actually imagine myself liking, maybe even loving, again. The interim dean custom-designed a job description for me, gave me the 11-month contract I wanted (so I could keep writing), and before I knew what was happening, I said yes, I’ll start August 1, when I come back from my three-week Out West adventure that I’m giving myself for my 40th birthday.

I haven’t written here or sent a newsletter or any of those things the last four months. I began to view my Out West trip as a farewell to the freedom, independence, and recovery efforts from the last 18 months, the marker of a job accomplished, but now it was time to put on my big girl pants and get back to the Business of Work. Enough messing around, doing things I love all of the time as if that’s allowed and even encouraged. Real People work at Institutions and earn Insurance and Retirement. By the end of my (amazing, awesome, once-in-a-lifetime, stunning, incredible) trip, I felt ready.

I started my new job on August 1 as the program coordinator for the MFA, MA in Communications, and Honors Programs. It was hard. Harder than I thought it would be, not because the work itself is hard, but mostly because there is a part of my brain that is apparently still not as functional as it used to be after Covid. I was a kick-ass administrator once, y’all. I used to be able to exercise strategic thinking, answer email, tweet updates, create newsletters, update databases, and build spreadsheets with the joy and delight exhibited by Toula in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when she goes to work at the travel agency.

This is not so anymore. I’m rather sure that the frontal lobe of my brain has lost the neural function required to do this work with ease. It literally hurts my brain now. 

I hate that this is true.

Despite these complications, I still had on my big girl pants. Suck it up, buttercup! Headaches and exhaustion are a part of life; deal with it. Get some desk lamps, kill the fluorescents, open the windows, go for a walk, take a break, drink all of the water and Liquid I.V. You can do this! 

Several weeks into my new job, where I worked with lovely people and supported wonderful students and did the things I used to do with ease but now apparently sucked at, I told Brandon I would give it three months, and if I was still grumpy and irritated and unable to keep writing while doing this job, I would quit and go back to freelancing. I kept my clients, but just at a reduced level. Unlike my day job, which drains the energy from me, writing gives me life—after hours of writing, I have vim and vigor! I want to tell you all of the things I’ve learned, all of the things I’ve discovered, what fun twists and turns happened while I was writing. Even when it’s marketing content for someone else, it’s exciting. The world is so big and beautiful and bold, and I get to pour my curiosity over it, and then report on what I’ve found.

I had this ultimatum in mind, when all of a sudden, God showed up about six weeks into my new job. I was even settling in at work, feeling better—not great, but better!—making long-term plans for grant writing and certificate programs and conferences and international travel. Here I come to save the day!

And then LOOK WHO WALKED IN.

The jerk. He totally disrupted my timeline.

I’ve been participating in a meditation class with my friend, George Shunk, at church this fall. One Sunday, he had us be quiet and meditate for six minutes on a simple passage of Scripture that had nothing to do with vocation or calling or God’s will or any of that stuff. I don’t even remember what it was about. What I know for a fact is that while I was sitting there, thinking about peace and love and God’s provision, I “heard” in my mind this word from the Lord:

Sarah, I gave you all of these opportunities to do what I made you to do with joy and with freedom. And you chose stability and insurance.

– God

I burst out in tears. Uncontrollable, ugly sobs. If you’ve ever been scolded by God, maybe you can relate. 

Let me interrupt myself for a second to say that I really struggle with admitting this to you. I have had a hard time believing that God has a particular plan and purpose for each individual, this job, or this spouse, or this house, or this wallpaper. That just seems overly manipulative and controlling for the God of the Universe who certainly loves us, but maybe doesn’t have time for choosing wallpaper?

But Brandon and I have never been able to wrestle into submission anything we wanted to happen. We’ve applied for hundreds—hundreds!—of jobs, jobs we were plenty qualified for, but never received a callback. So when jobs like the one I was offered at Ashland fall into place so easily, it feels like God’s Will, God’s perfect and pleasing will, a sweet gift from the Lord, just for me. I start to play a lot of “Maybe this happened because…” and determine the cause and effect of circumstances as if I am just along for the ride with God, reading the tea leaves to discern what he’s doing and which way he’s going to turn next.

But we aren’t just along for the ride. God has given us freedom. He has promised us life and life in abundance. When God “spoke” to me during my time of meditation, his tone was gentle, but firm, loving, but direct, and if I didn’t do something about it, I knew I’d be living in disobedience to whatever God has for me.

That felt both icky and impossible.

Throughout the last two months, you can see the progression of my thought life and prayer life as I’ve scrambled to make sense of all of these changes. They are hidden in my devotional entries written for Root & Vine:

R&V In the Word: When God’s Plan Stinks: (apt title!) Written in mid-August and published in mid-September, this is when I was wrestling with how much I did NOT like the path I had chosen, which had been given so generously to me, which felt like God’s plan for me. “​​Sometimes God’s plan stinks. This is uncomfortable! I hate this! Why did you call me into this?! Our temporary frustrations and unmet expectations feel like a reversal of the peace God promised.” You can read more about how I worked through all of that.

R&V In the Word: When God Calls Your Name: Written in late-August and published in late-September, this is when I was trying to figure out why God was sending me so many different messages about vocation and calling. Were they to encourage me to stay in the job, or were they calling me into something else? Were they even from him, or had I done an amazing job of conflating all of the coincidences of my life into God’s Plan again? (It can be difficult to live inside my brain.) At the end, I wrote, “When God calls my name, I don’t want to mistake his voice for someone else.” (Well, hold onto your hat, Sarah-of-the-Past! God is about to call your name!)

R&V In the Word: Fish and Sheep: Written in mid-September, shortly after the Gentle but Stern Disciplining Voice of the Lord Sobfest, this word came to me out of nowhere (or the very real Somewhere). It was the reaffirming answer I needed from the Word after hearing the Word in my head. After the resurrection, and after Peter denied Jesus three times, Peter went back to the work he had done three years earlier. After three full years of ministry, working alongside the Real Life Actual King of the Universe, Peter said, “I’m going fishing.” After feeding him a breakfast of fish, Jesus asked Peter, “Do you love me more than these?”

I wrote: 

“The footnotes say “more than these others do,” as in, more than your brothers, more than your disciples, more than these other guys love me, but I like to think that Jesus is asking about the fish. 

Do you love me more than these fish? Do you love me more than sustenance? Do you love me more than provision? Do you love me more than comfort? Do you love me more than a safe life? You are a good fisherman, Peter. You could make a good living with my miraculous hat trick of overflowing nets. 

But if you love me more than what these fish can give you, I have a different mission for you. 

Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Jesus, then followed each of Peter’s answers with new instructions, “Feed my lambs… take care of my sheep… feed my sheep.”

Once you’ve taken that leap and walked with God, it’s hard to go back to the life you once had.”

– Me

At the end of all of this meditation and reflection, here’s what I know: I never have the slightest idea what God is doing, but I do know that he’s always doing something and the something he is doing is a new thing. It is never the same thing twice, or the same way, and even what worked before may not be the way it will work this time. 

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” (Isaiah 43:19 RSV).

I love the richness of the different translations of this one verse. 

I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?” 

Lo! I make new things, and now those shall begin to be made; soothly ye shall know them.” 

Here I am, doing a new thing; Now it is springing up— do you not know about it?

Look at the new thing I am going to do. It is already happening. Don’t you see it?

I’m about to do something brand-new. It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is!

Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it?

God is always doing something new. I want to perceive it and know it, I want to give heed to it, pay attention to it. I want to witness the way in the wilderness, the streams in the desert. I want to be there to see the work God is doing, whatever it is, wherever it is.

So, I resigned from my job at the university, six weeks after I started, and I am back to this writing life, holding this writing life out with an open hand, trying to trust that the Father, who knows how to give good gifts to his children, will provide what we need. He has proven himself faithful, time and time again. I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief.

Photo by Tyler Lastovich: https://www.pexels.com/photo/green-leafed-trees-572688/

Experiencing the Transformative Power of the Lord and the Joy of Incarnational Community

I preached for the first time on Thursday, September 22, at The Well, a campus ministry on the campus at Ashland University. The subject of the sermon was on two parts of The Well’s mission statement: to “Encounter the Transformative Power of the Lord” and to “Experience the Joy of Incarnational Community.” Here is what I shared:

The first time I came to The Well, it wasn’t even called The Well yet. It was the fall of 2000, and Celebration, as it was called, was being held in the Student Center auditorium. I was a freshman on campus, curious about but resistant to the Christian message of salvation. I had tried to read the Bible but found it murky, dull, and impossible to understand, despite the best efforts of the professor in my Gospels class that fall.

I walked into the auditorium with my roommate on a Thursday night similar to this one. We were late. It was dark. People were singing and playing worship music. I stood in the midst of the crowd and felt a heaviness in the air, what I would call now the palpable weight of glory pressing down and swirling around that room. The Spirit was in that place, even though I didn’t know to call it that. I could not help myself but weep.

In that moment, I experienced the joy of incarnational community. That is one part of the mission of the Well, to help people experience the joy of incarnational community. I didn’t know it then, but that’s what was happening. God was making himself incarnate in that body of believers, and I was witness to it, in a way that penetrated my heart and soul.

Later that night, after some trembling and pacing and crying, I prayed to Jesus to help me. I lived on the eighth floor of Amstutz Hall back then, and in order to avoid disturbing my roommate with my middle-of-the-night, existential crisis, I sat bawling in the common lounge area with a Bible and a notebook open in front of me. The fluorescent lighting overhead was stark, too bright for the middle of the night. It also smelled like burnt popcorn. Take my life, I told God. I don’t know what I’m doing with it. I need your help. Please, God, rescue me. 

As I sat there praying, my weeping slowed. The trembling stopped. A peace and stillness I couldn’t explain descended on me in place of the weight of every burden I had been carrying. I felt loved in a way I had never felt loved before. I felt renewed. I felt fully alive.

Earlier that night, I had experienced the joy of incarnational community, one part of the mission of the Well. In that moment on the eighth floor of Amstutz, I encountered the saving grace and transformative power of the Lord Jesus Christ, which is another part of the mission of the Well.

I had every intention of surrendering every part of my life to God in that moment, because of what He had done for me. I surrendered my relationships to God. I surrendered my career path to God. I surrendered my heart to God. I surrendered my mind to God. I surrendered my spirit to God. And I meant it… at 1 in the morning… after experiencing the joy of incarnational community and encountering the transformative power of the Lord Jesus Christ. In the light of day, and in the light of the coming weeks, months, and years of living and walking with Jesus, that surrender has had to happen over and over. Because Jesus is not just a one-and-done Savior, although he does rescue us. Jesus is also Lord.

I love that word, “Lord.” 

In order for us to understand the transformative power of Jesus Christ, we have to begin with his lordship. What does it mean for Jesus to be Lord?

Lords rule over kingdoms and territories. They are masters of their domain, king of the castle, the be-all and end-all for their particular territory. So if Jesus is Lord, what is his territory? Where is his kingdom? What is his domain? I’m going to read Colossians 1:15-20, first in the NIV and then in the Message translation, because both provide insights into Jesus’ Lordship. First, from the NIV:

The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

Six times in this passage, Paul declares that Christ reigns supreme over all things. All things in heaven and on earth, all things visible and invisible. This would have been astounding in biblical times, where the only lord was Caesar, and to call someone else Lord meant death, but think about what we know about how the world is put together today. Think about the telescopes that have caught a glimpse of the world beyond our planet. The Hubble Deep Field, an extremely long exposure of a relatively empty part of the sky, provided evidence that there are about 125 billion galaxies in the observable universe with an even higher number of stars, with an even higher number of planets. All of that is Jesus’ domain. All of that is under the Lordship of Christ. 

If that isn’t huge enough, perhaps we should go smaller. 

Think about the scientists behind the lab microscopes that have probed the cell, thinking it is the most irreducible building block of life, only to find a solar system of cell structures inside. And then, inside the cell a nucleus. And inside the nucleus they found chromosomes, and inside chromosomes they found DNA. Ah ha! DNA, that’s it! The building blocks of life! And then they found that DNA is made of nucleic acids and proteins. And nucleic acids and proteins are made up of elements. And elements have protons, electrons, and neutrons. And everything, from our air to our hair to our bodies to the farthest star in the weakest blinking galaxy is made of the same dust that God breathed life into at the beginning of time.

The farther out and the deeper within we go, the more complex, mysterious, and large everything is. 

And over all these things, the Lord Jesus Christ reigns supreme.

Every particle and planet, every culture and creature, every equation and earthling, Jesus Christ reigns over them all.

I love the way Eugene Peterson puts the latter half of the Colossians passage. He translates it this way: “…All the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe—people and things, animals and atoms—get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of his death, his blood that poured down from the cross.”

This is the work that God has done through Jesus Christ our Lord. What does Jesus reign over? All things. What does that mean for us? Everything.

When we “encounter the transformative power of the Lord Jesus Christ,” we begin to see that each and every piece and particle of our lives is under his Lordship. Not because of his power and his might, which are true, but because of his love. Because God so loved the world. Because we believe this, it is in our best interests to submit our lives to Jesus’ Lordship.

To submit to the Lordship of Christ isn’t an act of limitation. Back in my day, an altar call would follow this message, and everyone would go home and throw out their CDs and cassettes of Madonna and Aerosmith and Nirvana. This submission to the Lordship of Christ isn’t a call to go home and delete all your secular music from Spotify. Let me say it again, Jesus Christ reigns supreme over everything, right now, always, even if you don’t acknowledge it. God’s love is pervasive and unconditional, woven into the very fabric of creation. There isn’t anything you can do to escape it, really. In this way, everything is sacred. To treat any part of the fabric of creation and the fabric of your lives otherwise is to desecrate it (or de-sacred it).

Stop calling ugly what God made beautiful. Stop calling bad what God called good. To determine what is true and beautiful and good and real, hold the things of your life up to the Light (with a capital L). Place them under the microscope of Jesus’s life and ministry. When tested by love, do they stand firm, or do they dissolve? 

Everything is under the lordship of Christ. 

In John 14:6, Jesus calls himself “the Way and the Truth and the Life.” When we surrender to that lordship, God illuminates the way, the truth, and the life in our own lives. What does it mean for the Lord to be The Way, The Truth, and The Life?

The Way is directional—when you walk in God’s Ways, the True North of your compass is God’s love and forgiveness. Whatever we do, whichever way we turn, whichever career you feel called to and passionate about, whoever you choose to love, wherever you decide to move, God will be with us if we’re using his Love as our compass and submitting our lives to him. 

The Truth is foundational—all truth is God’s truth. Nothing that is false can be of God, and whatever is True has to be from Him. As you pursue knowledge now and throughout your lives, you will encounter truths from all kinds of sources. God is the Father of all Truth. Jesus said to the Jews who believed him in John 8:31-32, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

The Life is God’s love incarnate—from the very beginning, God breathed and spoke into existence all of creation, and it is this Life that pulses through not just us but every other person, creature, and creation in the entire universe. It’s what connects us to one another and why it is so imperative for us to love one another—person, plant, animal, planet—because it is God’s breath that gives it all life. All of creation is fueled by the love and mercy of God. Everything God made is sacred.

So Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He is Lord of all, the kind of Lord that loves his creation, delights in his creation, and longs for his creation to be restored, is working even now to restore it to fullness. And by creation, I don’t just mean the people. I mean the creatures. I mean the water. I mean the trees. God’s Word promises in the book of Revelation the restoration of all things: “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.””

That kind of Lord is the One I want to live my life under, the One I want to live my life for. As Paul writes in his letter to the Ephesians, when we begin to “grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,” we begin to see that the Lordship of Christ is not limiting at all. It’s freeing. It’s freeing because it is ruled by love. It is the greatest of all things.

So, how do we encounter this transformative power of the Lord Jesus Christ? We have to know him. We have to immerse ourselves in his life and his words. We have to study what God said about himself, see how God interacted with others, and position our lives to receive God’s love.  We do this in solitude, in stillness, in Sabbath (or rest), and in silence. This is the inner working of the love of God for us as individuals. It doesn’t happen when we’re scrolling through Instagram. It doesn’t happen when we’re binging shows on Netflix. It happens in the quiet place we set aside for the Lord to work on our hearts. And from that work pours out his goodness and love into all things, even into our scrolling on Instagram and our binging of Netflix. When you make space for God, God begins to show up in all of the other spaces in your life.

This space we dedicate to receiving God’s love will cause the fruits of the Spirit to grow in us. The fruits of the Spirit are listed by Paul in Galatians 5:22-23, and they are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Don’t those sound lovely? Wouldn’t you just love a little more joy in your life? Can’t you just taste the peace? These are the kinds of gifts God wants to give you in Christ Jesus, when we submit to his Lordship. To submit to his Lordship, we have to loosen our grip on each area of our lives, allowing him to enter in with his vast love and mighty grace, so he can transform you into his likeness, one frightening and freeing step at a time.

This is what it means to experience the transformative power of the Lord in our lives. It means to see your life changed. It means to have the scales of fear, hate, greed, jealousy, bitterness, and anger stripped away so that the truth of your worthiness and beauty can be made known to you. Once you know you are God’s beloved, you can go forth to love others the way he first loved us. 

I don’t believe that this happens all at once. God is patient with us in ways we can’t even comprehend. He is taking his time. As Paul writes in Philippians 1:6, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion, until the day of Christ Jesus.”

No one does this work alone. After I encountered the transformative power of the Lord Jesus Christ that night after my first trip to The Well as a freshman here at AU, I wanted to return to that space again, that space where I experienced the joy of incarnational community. I wanted to have the Holy Spirit fill me again with all of the goodness that comes from being in fellowship with other believers.

God designed all of creation to depend upon one another, to love one another, the way that God loves us. There is deep joy in sharing your life with other people who have decided to surrender their lives to the Lordship of Christ. When you come to The Well, you are experiencing one manifestation of God’s incarnational community.

I love that word, “incarnate.” When God came to Earth, his whole Spirit took on flesh and became a body. He “incarnated” himself – he became fully man and fully God. Spirit and flesh. Then, after Jesus was raised from the dead, the people who decided to follow the Way of Jesus became the living, breathing, body of Christ. Fully men and women, indwelt by the Holy Spirit.

Jesus said in Matthew 18:20, “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” So when we are together in this community, when we are together in any community of God’s children, we are in the presence of God.  We should take that seriously. We are, right now, in the presence of God. We should be rejoicing! We will rejoice! We do rejoice! God is with us, God is with us, God is with us.

To experience the joy of an incarnational community means to gather together in Christ’s love, under Christ’s lordship, and build one another up. Encourage one another. Love one another. That was the new command that Jesus gave his disciples in John 13:34-35, “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” It was so important, he said it three times. 

Within this incarnational community, we are able to encounter the transformative power of the Lord Jesus Christ. And out of that encounter, we are able to create a space for others to experience this incarnational community. You can be this for each other. You are the body of Christ, building one another up, encountering the transformational power of the Lord together, experiencing the joy of incarnational community, together. Lean into that mission together here and you will experience joy and lives transformed.

(Photo by Alicia Zinn)

From Gilded to Gold

It is hard to keep up with all that is swiftly unfolding politically right now, but if you try, I can promise you a full day of doom-scrolling and despair. It all feels huge and impossible. Flinging one more opinion on abortion, climate change, gun control, religious freedom, the insurrection, LGBTQ+ rights, race relations, and whatever else I’ve missed this week is a nice attempt to feel like anything I say will actually do something. But it won’t. 

When it comes to these issues, I have been along for the ride since birth and before, decisions made for me and everyone I know without our input, really, by mostly men and some women in far-off places who weigh life and death by GDP and percent of military spending, then come up with a propaganda campaign to woo their base so they can stay in power, while I compost watermelon rinds so the planet doesn’t die. 

Too cynical? Maybe. Okay, it isn’t completely worthless. It does do something: It makes me feel better. When I think about all of the powerful decision makers somewhere making decisions for the country, I feel helpless. I feel distraught. I feel small. I feel inadequate.

I can’t do anything. But we can.

I finished The Upswing: How America Came Together a Century Ago and How We Can Do It Again by Robert D. Putnam this week. It takes a long look at what has happened over the last 125 years at the macro level to move our country from a nation of fierce individualism (I) to a country that embraced the ideals of unity and shared purpose (we), and how those community ideals quickly eroded and have continued to deteriorate to where we are today: polarized, traumatized, disillusioned, angry, and afraid. Putnam argues that we are now in a second Gilded Age, an age we have emerged from before and can again. 

The book is an excellent and exhaustive analysis of every influential marker of society, from economy to religion to culture to politics, not excluding gender and race. After seven chapters of analysis, I really just wanted Putnam to get on with it already. Okay, okay, I get the point, I-we-I, there is the inverted U-curve again. Putnam strongly makes his case about how we got here and then presents opportunities for how we can get ourselves out of here again.

The forces that generated real, actionable change in the early 1900s / Gilded Age did not come from the top down. They were grassroots efforts. They were individuals who saw injustice and inequality within their own communities and tried to do something about it. “Gilded” has two meanings: wealthy and privileged, and covered thinly with gold paint. The wealth and privilege may have been true for some, but it was not true for all. Even the shiny things turned out to be just a covering, a veneer that might have made people feel good enough, but underneath, it was faked. Instead of covering injustice and inequality with gold paint to make it look sparkly and new, these individuals scraped the paint away and offered new ways forward.

They weren’t all religious, but some were religious. They weren’t all political, but some were political. Because of their individual commitment and effort, change happened, in governmental policies, in local systems, through the organization of leadership associations, in churches, by forming nonprofits, by one person lifting their eyes from their own lives and seeing others, by believing there could be a better way.

These people didn’t take on every cause. They took on one wrong, one need, and leaned into that with all their hearts, trusting that someone else would lean into the myriad other wrongs and needs so that none would be neglected but all might be elevated. This is how I start to make a “we” difference.

When the world feels so overwhelming, when powerful people who are elected or appointed begin to make changes beyond my control, it is easy to succumb to helplessness or bitterness. It is easy to slide into despair, to slip into a pleasant coma of consumption and indifference.

Instead, pick one thing. Just one. When that one thing is violated, trampled, or broken, it breaks your heart, doesn’t it? It brings tears to your eyes. It stirs righteous anger in your bones. The injustice of it could crush you. That’s your one thing. That’s the thing you need to lean into, the thing you need to try to do something about. 

What one thing do you care about? Where can you show up and change lives, maybe even change the arc of history? Go and do.

Photo by Octoptimist

Hold On Loosely

This morning as I drove the kids to school, a blade of light cut through a hole in the clouds in that divine way, you know, the way that feels like God is descending through the clouds to rest his glory on your shoulders, and you feel blessed, and particular, the center of the universe.

Then, the world tilted. I saw the solar system in all its blackness, the sun at the center, our blip of a planet lolly-gagging its way around on its invisible gravitational beltway, pirouetting until one patch of cloud over one city in one county in one country on one continent shifted just enough that the light that was already on its way to us was blocked by some accumulated water droplets and ice crystals hanging in the firmament, except for one spot, where it was free to shine directly into our atmosphere, and lo, the light arrived, and I got to witness it.

Look at the sky! I tell my kids every single time we’re in the car or walking somewhere or making breakfast.

Yeah, yeah, it’s beautiful, they say, and go on with their blessed, particular lives.

I remember being their age, the center of my own universe. I remember seeing my immediate wants and needs right before me, seeing only myself, my desires, my planet of purpose and every other molecule sent to serve my unfolding story. I lolly-gagged about, pirouetting my way through the day, blathering on about all my troubles, all my stresses, my worries, my fears. Admittedly, I still do this; we all do. As a parent, however, I think we’re given the gift of perspective, the ability to see our children as their own selves, separate and distinct and not the center of the universe. Hopefully this gives us our own perspective shift more regularly, from center of the universe to blip on a lolly-gagging planet, right alongside them.

So much of my mothering these days feels like taking hold of my teenagers’ shoulders to help them see beyond this moment. Look, this is not so big. Look, this is where this road might head. Look, you only see right now, but I have decades of life in the rear-view mirror, and I can give you a glimpse, at least, of what is yet to come, how much larger the world is, how your life is much smaller and simultaneously more beloved than you can grasp.

Mothering teens feels like dropping seeds in front of their path and dousing the ground they walk on, hoping something might take root, and then watching what happens next. I’m forever watching what happens next in a way I didn’t when they were younger, when I felt some sense of power and control over whether they live or die. I was just trying to keep them from killing themselves in one hundred small ways everyday—don’t run into the street. Don’t touch the hot stove. Don’t ride your bike without a helmet. Eat your vegetables. After every single one of those phrases you could tack on “or you might die.” So much of parenting little ones was keeping them from physical harm while trying to help them grow up with as few injuries, mental and physical and emotional, as possible.

With teenagers, though, I’ve traded my leash and collar for casting visions of what once was, what could be. Here is what I learned in a similar situation. If you choose A, here are some potential scenarios. Here’s how it could play out. You might want to guard your heart. You might want to turn this way instead of that. I don’t know but I’m guessing that if you choose B, this is what might happen. You can choose that, but it might hurt on the other side. It might not turn out the way you hoped.

But in most things it’s their choice now. My teens are adults-in-training. For years they’ve been the center of the universe. But now, every once in a while, the light must streak through the atmosphere and right-size their pirouetting planet. Now is the time to begin awakening to the expansiveness of their world. They will always be, in some ways, the center of their personal universes. We’re all the main character of our lives, but in order to operate with any kind of grace and love, sometimes we have to surrender the first person POV and see. Look.

Now is the time to practice adulting. Now is the time to try out some of their own paths. Now is that time because I still have two or four or eight years with them, depending on which kid we are talking about, and there is space and close distance to catch them when they make mistakes, to guide them, to pour as much love and reassurance about their bearing the image of God. But mostly I get to watch, and love, and watch.

There’s a word I was reminded of this weekend by David Brooks, NYT columnist, that captures this kind of watching: beholding. I have the distinct pleasure as their mother to behold their beloved-ness, behold the image of God in them. No one could have cued me into this privilege, to witness the becoming of my children, to behold. I like “behold.” The past tense of it could be “beheld,” to be beholden by someone is to be held.

These days my teens need to be held, loosely. Sometimes what I want to do is cling tighter. What I want to do is direct their paths and protect them from all harm, like their lives are on rails and I’m the railroad engineer. What they really need are guardrails and GPS. (How many metaphors can I toss into this post?) Instead, God whispers, Hold on loosely. They need clear guidance, yes, but I need the heartbreaking understanding that they might choose to turn left when I thought they should turn right. They need grace to make the decisions, and grace when they turn around. Isn’t that what the Generous Father does for the Prodigal Son? He lets him go and he welcomes him back.

“I think I made a mistake,” one of these image bearers said to me the other night. 

“If this is the biggest mistake of your teen years,” I said, “then I think you’re going to be okay.”

Oh, there are so many mistakes to be made. I made so many mistakes. I keep making mistakes. The blessing we have as their parents is the ability to give them grace and mercy and forgiveness now, with these first mistakes, so when they inevitably make bigger mistakes later, they remember their God, who kneels down and does not condemn them either, who will pull them up, whisper in their ear, This is not the end of the world, and give them hope for tomorrow, who will run to them on the road and meet them before they’ve even reached the doormat of their Father’s home.

He will behold them, and he will call them “my beloved.” They will be held. This is what I want to instill in them, now, that the light shining through the clouds is meant for them, and it’s also meant for all. They are beloved, and they are one of many other beloveds. Behold, dear one. You and you and you and you are loved.

Photo by Onur Kurtic

The Universal History of People Doing Whatever They Feel Like Doing

In those days there was no king in Israel. People did whatever they felt like doing. – Judges 17:6

I’m reading Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic by Sam Quinones right now. At the same time, I’ve been trudging chapter by chapter through the book of Judges in the Bible. The confluence of these two narratives is striking. Both books make me weep over humanity’s desperation.

The book of Judges begins with violence and dominion and ends in chaos. “At that time there was no king in Israel,” the last verse of Judges states. “People did whatever they felt like doing.”

Dreamland has a parallel feel to it. In an effort to ease our collective pain—the pain of poverty, the pain of oppression, the pain of addiction, the pain of illness, the pain of suffering—people will do whatever they feel like doing. There is no king, no governing sense of right or wrong that can stand up against the will of the people, who ultimately become slaves to painkillers, to the rush of wealth, to the hazy and unrealistic dream of a pain-free life. Dreamland is an incredible look at the complex roads that led us to the opiate epidemic in this nation. There is no one reason why we’re here. There are many. Some, maybe even all, of those roads looked altruistic and virtuous to the people who walked them. In the end, they’ve led to death.

The Book of Judges is a painful, violent cycle of dominance and war followed by rescue and order, for a time, until the next generation comes along. People do whatever they feel like doing and are left to their own devices. When suffering, oppression, and strife happen as a result, the people cry out for help from the Lord. A deliverer/judge/military leader rises up from the community to protect Israel, sometimes just, and other times unjust. Peace prevails for a time, and then the people forget about God and do whatever they’d like again, taking matters into their own hands.

The story is summarized in essence later in the Bible, in the first few chapters of Romans, capturing the same cycle from Judges in a more universal view: So God said, in effect, “If that’s what you want, that’s what you get.” It wasn’t long before they were living in a pigpen, smeared with filth, filthy inside and out. And all this because they traded the true God for a fake god, and worshiped the god they made instead of the God who made them—the God we bless, the God who blesses us. Oh, yes! (Romans 1:24-25 MSG).

The heart of Bible stories plays out over and over again throughout history. People who gain power seem to become addicted to power, are hungry for more and more, and are willing to sacrifice other people’s lives in order to acquire whatever they think will satisfy their desires, only to be left wanting even more. It’s happening in Russia and Ukraine right now. It happened in ranchos in the Mexican state of Nayirit. It happens the world over, generation after generation, in small towns and between nations and in our immediate families, my gain for your loss, my growth at your expense. The god we worship is the god we’ve made: our things, our source of security, our country, our national boundaries, our bank accounts, ourselves. The god we serve is a voracious god, a bottomless pit of need.

On the other hand, the God Paul says we’ve traded in for a false god describes himself as compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, faithful, forgiving, merciful, mighty, and loving, the wonderful counselor, the everlasting father, the prince of peace. When it comes to joy, his cup overflows. When it comes to love, it’s higher and wider and deeper than anything we can imagine. That very God made himself known fully through the God-Man Jesus, the one whose name forms the foundation of our religion’s name and ought to be the central focus of our faith.

The subversive message of Jesus—what gives life meaning—is not the acquisition of wealth, or power, or domination. It is love. If we place ourselves under the Lordship of Christ, we say that our lives are no longer ruled by our own gain. Our lives are no longer ruled by that voracious hunger. Our lives are no longer ruled by our own desires. Our lives are no longer ruled by our pursuit of a pain-free existence.

Our lives are ruled now by the rule of love: Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’ These two commands are pegs; everything in God’s Law and the Prophets hangs from them”(Matthew 22:37-40 MSG).

When love leads, all else comes into alignment. You cannot covet and love. You cannot abuse and love. You cannot envy or slander or steal or kill or commit adultery and love. Any of these actions is outside the bounds of love and therefore against God, who has given us, in love, the Holy Spirit to guide the way to a meaningful life and a peaceful world, in communion with each other and with God, who sees our failings and faults and loves us back into relationship with God and with others.

Faith, hope, and love are the preventative measures against such things, and humility, justice, and mercy are the restorative measures when things have fallen apart.

It’s the simplest, hardest message to live out. The global challenges I find myself sucked into in the news cycle are beyond my control, but I can seek to live a life of love where I am at. I can seek to be a force for good in my family, in my home, in my church, and in my community. This is my sphere of influence, the place where my small act can make a difference to subvert the powers and principalities that oppress the marginalized, with the love and grace of the God-Man I have chosen to follow, who holds me in his grip and whose peace he promises to give.

Featured Image: Chaos during an earthquake by Jose Guadalupe Posada, ca. 1880-1910. Courtesy of The Metropolitan Museum.

The Sound of Snow Falling

Earlier this week as I was standing outside waiting for our new puppy to quit chewing on leaves and sticks and discarded seedpods and pinecones and get down to business (you know, business), the snow began to fall, and it sounded like static electricity, or sand sifting constantly, or a far-off snake rattle, or the clatter of a million maracas in the distance.

I have been trying to be a better listener.

On my way to a doctor’s appointment a week or so ago, I tuned in to a podcast episode of On Being with Krista Tippett. She interviewed Gordon Hempton, an acoustic ecologist (who knew there was such a thing!) in an episode called “Silence and the Presence of Everything“:

“An attentive listener, he says silence is an endangered species on the verge of extinction. He defines real quiet as presence — not an absence of sound but an absence of noise.

When I step outside with my dogs and wait for them to stop their sniffing and bustling about so they can get down to business, I have been trying to be a better listener. I have been trying to leave my cell phone inside and let my senses take in the wonders of our small corner of the universe.

The sound of the wind is different in winter, is different when there’s snow on the ground or in the air, when it’s gusting from the north or whirring from the west or whipping up and over our roof and into the pool of lawn. The wind is different through the spruce needles, a rustling like the stirring of sand on an empty beach, different than through the pines, which whisper a shhh are you listening, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, different from the oaks and other deciduous trees that croak and moan and sway numbly, their eyes closed, bearing down and letting go of whatever limbs they can’t hold anymore.

You have to stop moving so quickly in order to do this kind of listening. You have to let go of the notion that forward momentum is a constant necessity. In doing so you make room for the pregnant pause, the silence that is not absence but presence, holy, sacred presence, the wind, yes, but also the chittering squirrel, the alert pup, the cawing crow, the bending blades of grass under the snow.

Listen.

Photo by Adam Lukac from Pexels

2022 Resolutions: Recover

The last few years, I haven’t made a resolution list like I have previously but instead sought a word from the Lord.

My word for 2016 was “clarity,” and much was made clear to me in 2016. By the end of 2016, I changed jobs that eventually brought us back to Ashland. My word for 2017 was “build,” to build on new confidence and direction, and by the end of 2017, we moved into a new home and back into this community. In 2018 it was “resolve,” and for 2019, it was “grow.” 

This strange practice in 2020 weirdly prepared me for one of the most troubling and physically exhausting years of my life. “Make space,” God said.

So funny!

I didn’t have a word in 2021, not one written down anyway. I think I was too tired for it. To make amends, the word that defined last year for me was “rest.” I learned the importance of rest in 2021. I remembered my worth separate from a steady paycheck and productivity. I experienced grace and love from my God and my family just because I am me. I rested in nature. I rested in the comfort of smallness and the steady rhythms of a quiet life. I also took long naps and slept deeply for many hours. It was glorious.

But that’s all done now. It has been a full year of rest, and as I turned the corner into 2022, I began to ask more of my body. Are you ready yet? I whispered to her. Do you think you can climb this hill? Do you think you can do this meditation? Do you think you can begin to recover?

That is the word I have for 2022: recover. It captures much of what I hope to achieve in list form this year and defines the stage of healing I feel like I’m in now, recovery. Recovering is returning to a normal state of mind, health, or strength. My body is surprising me with its renewed strength, with its resilience, its healing. I was not sure we’d ever be back here. I don’t want to abandon what I’ve gained in my year of rest, a soul-level peace I value as the best consolation prize I’ve been given in this year of suffering.

With this return to health, and with this being my 40th year, I have a renewed list of resolutions for 2022. I’ll be sharing some of these at Root & Vine as well, in additional detail, but here they are in summary:

  • read a chapter a day of scripture, beginning in the gospels
  • read 40 books (I read 39 last year, crushing my goal of 24, so here’s to beating myself in 2022)
  • workout 3 times a week with my daughter
  • retreat with Brandon at least once this year
  • complete The Family Bible Devotional, Volume 2 with my children by the end of this year
  • hike and eat with my mom at least twice a month
  • make a will
  • routinely compost kitchen scraps
  • explore one state or national park a month (this includes our plans to go out west in July this year)
  • schedule one event/webinar/podcast/speaking opportunity a month to promote American Honey and The Family Bible Devotional
  • secure an agent for Some Bright Morning (my novel)
  • write at least two essays to add to my second essay collection and begin seeking publication
  • participate in #napowrimo
  • begin writing a second novel by the end of 2022

What are you resolving to do in 2022? Do you have a word or phrase for your year?

Cover Photo by Sebastian Voortman from Pexels

Cranial Nerves and the Ongoing Post-COVID Journey

It’s been 21 months since my initial bout with COVID. I’m still not 100% recovered, maybe 80%? It’s hard to recall what “normal” looked like; I sometimes remember charging forth into every day with deep wells of ambition, staying up late into the night writing or working on a project, leading meetings, spending so much of the day thinking… it all seems so full, and fast-paced, and impossible now, still.

So, I’m not really sure how close I am to how I used to be anymore.

What I do know is that I am slowly getting better, still. Yesterday, I went to a physical therapist for the first time. She spent 90 minutes with me, sharing about the cranial nerve and patterns doctors who deal in dizziness are seeing in post-COVID patients. She talked about the brain stem and the neck and walked through the many and varied wonky symptoms I’ve experienced in the last nearly two years, stuff I never experienced previously. 

I wept some, because I do that now in response to pretty much anything but especially when I feel grateful. I’m grateful to have access to doctors who take COVID and post-COVID issues seriously. Grateful to be heard and understood and validated. Grateful for inklings of answers. Grateful for pathways forward. 

The exercise she gave me involves shaking my head yes and no for one minute each, focusing on a spot on the wall during that time. I did this yesterday once. “Do this twice a day, at 80 bpm, until this seems stupidly easy, and then slowly increase to 120 bpm. Don’t push it,” she warned, “We don’t want you to trigger another 45-day headache.”

Shaking your head yes or no shouldn’t be an issue, but the truth is I’ve carried my head around nervously for the last year and a half, careful to keep steady and avoid the destabilizing feeling of being on a boat when I’m not. I shouldn’t have to think about how to shake my head, or if to. Sometimes I feel like I move like my 80+ year-old grandmother, I move so tentatively. That isn’t normal, right?

Neurological healing and recovery takes a long time. I don’t have brain fog anymore, most of the time. I don’t need to nap every single day, just every few days, especially if I’ve been active, talking to people for several hours in a row and also walking. Performing any complex activity that involves using multiple senses and areas of my brain simultaneously still wears me out in ways it never did before, provoking headaches and brain fog. My brain doesn’t get as exhausted as it did last year, when trying to run a strategy session sunk me into massive and weeks-long migraines. The headaches are smaller now, warning signals from my sweet, terrified brain to take a break and rest. 

So that is what I try to do. 

Neurological issues and autonomic nervous system disorders are private struggles. There’s no cast or crutch or cane that signals, I’m still quite sick actually. I am grateful that I seem to be recovering, the wells of energy seem to stay full longer, and my physical endurance is improving. I even went back to the gym this week. I even did yoga a couple of weeks ago. 

But my brain is not done healing. Waking up this morning with a pounding headache and that slow brain feeling was discouraging. I overdid it yesterday, what with all of the nodding yes and no, the driving, the evening holiday gathering. Today, I will have to make up for that energy deficit and give my brain some more space to rest, again.

I share all of this because there are still so many people who don’t believe that COVID can hurt them, at least not seriously, and yet here I am. No pre-existing conditions. No history of migraines. Just an adrenal hormone imbalance and 21 months of ongoing and varied symptoms that disrupt my daily existence. COVID can be life altering.

The reality is that there is still so much unknown about why some people who are 40 years old get COVID and have no symptoms and other 40-year-old people get COVID and die, or why people in between, who maybe had no initial symptoms develop neurological issues that last for months, or maybe a lifetime, who knows? No one knows. We won’t know for a long time, until scientists and doctors can conduct studies and analyze data and publish reports. We’re only able to operate on emerging trends, hunches, and patterns people are seeing in a whole host of people, the young and the old, the weak and the strong.

Maybe someday we’ll know and be able to say, you with this blood type, you with this DNA, you with this specific combination of tendencies, you need to be more careful. You are more susceptible to the long-term damage COVID inflicts. But no one knows. You could be sick for days. Or weeks. Or months. Or years. Or die. Or not be sick at all. No one knows.

So how now shall we live?

This is a strange space in which to operate, because I love the life I have now, but it is not the life I had pre-COVID. You can grieve the life you lost and also be grateful for the life you gained. You can hold both truths in your hands. Isn’t that the reality of loss, no matter what it is you’ve lost? I miss the team I led. I miss being a leader and a problem solver, a strategist and a creative thinker. I miss this part of me, the part that is handicapped now by damaged nerve endings, the part I am aware may never be fully restored.

But I also love the life I have now and am grateful for the space and flexibility to rest, to write, to cook, to walk, to be with my family, to observe the natural world around me, to appreciate silence and slowness, to dwell and linger in God’s peace and quiet, to revel in it in ways the busy life I led before did not permit. There’s so much space, here, now.

I think this is what we are called to do, to go on living in the capacity that we are given, even if your world is smaller or feels insignificant. It isn’t. I am worthy and valued because I am. That’s it. No performance review or checked off list is required to validate the importance of your existence. Just being is enough. And out of that worthiness pours gratitude for every single falling snowflake, every single whispered “me too” of shared experience, every single shared smile or tear.

Don’t you just love to be alive? Isn’t it just wonderful?

Cover Photo by Dzenina Lukac from Pexels

American Honey: On Marriage and Memoir

Brandon and I had been married for about three seconds when we decided that we would be awesome at marriage ministry. Because we were clearly awesome at marriage. For those three seconds.

Neither of us knew 18 years ago what it meant to be equipped for marriage ministry. To “minister” is to tend to the needs of someone else. We thought the way to practice marriage ministry was to turn outward from our marriage and inspect other couples, tell other couples what they should do to have the best marriage now.

But what we needed to do was turn inward, to learn how to tend to the needs of each other. To be married. To stay married. To practice marriage. To minister within our own marriage.

It turns out we’ve been practicing marriage ministry now for 18 years and haven’t sat with a single couple for premarital counseling. We haven’t led a marriage retreat. We haven’t served on staff at a church or set curriculum on sex and money and fidelity.

There’s a Christian saying that marriage isn’t meant to make you happy; it’s meant to make you holy. I kind of hate that. Mostly because such one-liners are thrown out as if they contain all truth and that’s it, there’s nothing else to say. Obviously if you are not happy in your marriage it’s because that isn’t what it’s about; it’s about holiness and that’s the end of the conversation. 

But what is holiness except the profound deepening and widening of our understanding of God’s love for us? What is holiness except the experience of having your heart enlarged and beaten and restored, spurred on to love others more abundantly? What is holiness except the manifestation of the fruits of the Spirit?

And the fruits of the Spirit are first love, then joy, followed by peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. A marriage that is made holy has turned inward to each other’s needs, and by doing so, refracts the Spirit outward. Love and joy. Holiness and happiness.

Brandon and I have had 18 years worth of opportunities to not merely look out for our own personal interests but to tend to the interests of each other. Many times we’ve failed. Sometimes we’ve succeeded.

Every one of those moments has led me to this momentous announcement: We are never going into marriage ministry.

Instead, I present to you American Honey, part of our love story, the gritty, raw, honest, vulnerable, humorous, painful, complicated story of attraction and fidelity, parenting and gender role reversals, careful intimacies and, as Dinty Moore put it, “the occasional bison.” It is a quest to understand how I came to be a woman with weak boundaries, and what it might take to fortify those walls.

It is also only part of our story, albeit lots of parts, parts that were hard, parts that shattered trust, parts that took a long time to heal. This exploration of self is an exploration of part of my story, of how I experienced and worked through a challenging season, of how I processed my past with the objective of understanding the nature of yearning and attraction.

How did this happen? Why am I how I am? Who am I?

Memoir is not the whole truth, but it is an effort to write my way into and out of a situation and find my truth (with a nod to The Situation and the Story by Vivian Gornick).

Our hope—Brandon’s and my hope—is that this lived experience ends up being the marriage ministry we imagined we might have someday. The writing of American Honey made me a better person and a better partner. Maybe this one story can serve as a buoy for others, a quiet whisper that reassures the reader that they aren’t alone, these picture perfect marriages you imagine have their own piles of ghosts and skeletons.

And guess what. There’s hope. Hard, gentle, persistent hope.

(Adapted from an article I wrote called “Marriage as a Spiritual Practice,” originally published on the now-defunct blog, Off the Page.)

Sifted As Wheat

Sometime around 2005, the “everything happens for a reason,” feel-good faith of my college years shattered. I had had two miscarriages and health complications that accompanied those losses, and to tell you the truth, God did not feel real close, or real good, or real loving. In fact, I didn’t feel anything for God except grief and anger. You promised me the desires of my heart! I wailed. What kind of a God are you?

I wrote a poem at the time (below) in response to something Jesus said to Peter in Luke 22:31-32:

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

Luke 22:31-32

What does it look like to be sifted as wheat? 

Wheat is sifted to remove the inedible chaff. It gets in the way of the edible grain. Here is what threshing and sifting wheat looks like:

This does not look fun to me. 

Simon, Satan has asked to beat you with a whip until the useless parts of who you are fall away, and then Satan’s going to toss you around a while in a big basket to let loose the remaining chaff. Jesus might as well have said, Simon, this is going to hurt like hell.

There are lots of these metaphors in Scripture. God is the vine, and we are the branches. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit… (John 15:2). He will sit as a refiner and smelt the priests like gold and silver to remove any impurities and sediment from them (Malachi 3:3). On and on, God does the work of disciplining and cleaning, purifying and preparing his people. And then he restores them.

That kind of sifting takes its toll. There have been multiple seasons since 2005 when I have felt raw, as if I’ve spent that time scrubbing my skin with abrasive soap. Or how about refinishing a piece of wooden furniture? (The metaphors are endless.) As God strips away each layer of varnish, I have heard, You are not this. I am not this. I am not that. You are not that. We are not this. This is not of me. This is not who we are. That rawness brings a certain tenderness and sensitivity. Things that are not of God rub me the wrong way. Misappropriations of Jesus evoke a visceral reaction in me. 

It takes energy to keep declaring what God is not like, refuting platitudes, mythbusting the junk we pick up and carry around with us as if it’s from God but it isn’t, it’s actually just chaff, loads and loads of chaff clinging to our socks and irritating our necks. Have you ever loaded hay bales onto a wagon and felt the powder of chaff on your skin? It’s awful, trying to pick away all of those small pieces.

It’s far easier to just strip down. Take a shower. Rinse clean. Start fresh.

But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.

So much sifting has been happening in the church over the last decade (or more). God is very busy separating the wheat from the chaff. He does it in our individual lives and he does it on a grand scale, an apocalyptic peeling back to reveal the true nature of things. We watch the train wrecks and rightfully lament, Is there anyone righteous left?

Has your faith endured through all this sifting? Has your faith endured the fallout of pastoral moral failures, of political strife, of pandemic pain and disagreement and death, of personal crises and losses and so much damage, so much trauma, so much brokenness? 

I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.

And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.

Here we are. We are here. We have spent so much time defining God by what God is not. As the chaff lifts on the wind, and we are stripped bare, and the clear fresh water rushes over our skin, the voice in the wind whispers, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” 

What are you doing here, Peter? Peter, do you love me?

When you have turned back, strengthen your brothers. 

The threshing floor is clear. It’s time to stop carrying around the chaff that God has stripped away as evidence for what he is not and start being the wheat that is, being the branch that bears fruit. It’s time to put away the remaining chaff of cynicism, apply the balm of Gilead that is Jesus, and return. Turn back to a faith that is sincere, a faith that is sifted, strengthened, and renewed.

“There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.”

Hosea 2:15 NIV

As I was writing this, a friend sent the following encouragement from Reverend Dr. Glenn Packiam.

Return to sincerity. Strengthen your brothers. Start with Jesus.

“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good…Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Romans 12:9,21 (NIV)

(Poem from Pruning Burning Bushes. Cover photo by Antony Trivet from Pexels)