Advent Day 13: Oh God, Help Me

  I rode with my boyfriend from some youth group gathering back to his house, staring out my window as dusk turned to night. We took the curves of Geauga Lake Road and descended into the woods’ shadows. “What kind of God would save a murderer,” I spat, “just because he believed, and not me?  I’mContinue reading “Advent Day 13: Oh God, Help Me”

Advent Day 12: Psalm 36:9

  When I can’t find the light, I look for it in small things glowing. I flick a switch to ignite white bulbs on branches, each reflected four-eyed in the double window pane, multiplying possibility. I find it captured in my bridal veil, cascade of white descending from a frame a foot above my desk twelve years behind me. But some nightsContinue reading “Advent Day 12: Psalm 36:9”

Advent Day 10: The Valley of the Shadow

They wheeled me down the hospital corridors the evening after my c-section to the bay area where our newborn son was being prepared for transfer to the Children’s Hospital across town. I had seen him for a second after delivery, held above the sheet that blocked our view of my internal organs, red and angryContinue reading “Advent Day 10: The Valley of the Shadow”

Advent Day 8: Armed with Strength

It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure. Psalm 18:32 Outside the doctor’s office after we learned of our first miscarriage, our first heavy loss as a couple, Brandon held me close. Weather is unmoved by emotions; the cloudless sky shone bright and blue above, the asphalt radiating with summerContinue reading “Advent Day 8: Armed with Strength”

Advent Day 6: Do Not Be Afraid

The day of my mom’s biopsy, after hearing what the doctor thought they found, I handed over my valet ticket and filled the waiting time with Google statistics and life expectancies. I felt my face hollow out and droop. I thanked the driver, ever forgetful about the tip, and drove, sobs and a faucet ofContinue reading “Advent Day 6: Do Not Be Afraid”

Advent Day 5: The Earth Is Filled

I try to find one thing of marvel every morning on my way to work. Once you start this habit it isn’t easy to break; the earth brims over with beauty, from the early crisp air frosting blades of grass to fallen leaves on water, even the man-made architecture mirrors the majesty of my surroundingsContinue reading “Advent Day 5: The Earth Is Filled”

Advent Day 3: Find Bright

I’ve been writing these advent posts knowing my mom will be in treatments for a cancer that is near impossible to cure and a hard one to fight throughout this advent season. There is a child who cries loudly across the hall from my mom’s room where she waits for her next dose and theContinue reading “Advent Day 3: Find Bright”

Advent Day 1: God With Us

Today begins the first of a series of advent posts that consider the coming of Emmanuel, God with us, and what that means to those of us who came over 2,000 years after the Son of God was born in Bethlehem. In one of my favorite Hollywood prayers, Ricky Bobby begins his family meal, “DearContinue reading “Advent Day 1: God With Us”

Facing the Waves

Thursday we learned about my mom’s treatment options. Saturday I attended a funeral for a former colleague. Then another gun violence story in my news feed. Then another friend’s friend’s diagnosis. Then France. One time at the ocean I wanted to get beyond the breaking waves to where the water rolls, deep and even. The waves swelled andContinue reading “Facing the Waves”