Except I wanted to hear them from my husband, the man I had committed to love, til death do us part, not him.
I got a soul that I won’t sell,
And I don’t read postcards from hell.
– The Wood Brothers
It’s been about a year and a half since I wrote this post, “Crazy Jesus Parables and Dead Pigs.” In hindsight, it’s a rather cryptic post. I don’t give any context to why driving out demons and the house of the impure spirits meant something to me right then, that fall; I don’t let on that I felt like I was constantly pushing off the temptation to engage another man who was interested in me, I don’t let on that I did not want anything to do with him but I also didn’t mind hearing that someone found me attractive, I don’t share how conflicted I felt, how guilty I felt, how weak and needy and lonely I felt, even though my husband was around, yes, around, but I missed him. I was distracted and tense, trying desperately to stay pure, to resist temptation, to keep it together.
I wrote about what was happening in my life but I didn’t really write what was happening in my life. My world was under threat, and I was the first guard at the gate. What better weapon to wield than the Word of God?
This sounds crazy.
Crazy Jesus Parables and Dead Pigs sustained me. Letters from the epistles reminded me what to do when my emotions reeled, when my immediate heart’s desire was to be filled, to be filled with something, anything, when the easiest access was this other man who so readily handed out compliments, who readily flirted, who assumed I wanted to hear these things… and I did.
As fall crept into winter and winter sloshed into spring, resistance built on resistance, brick by brick. Gradually, it passed. It passed, and I survived. Our marriage survived. The notes and emails from him didn’t stop, entirely, and some of the things he said ran on a random loop in my brain, but I knew what was right. I knew what was good. I knew what was true.
Lately, my guilt and shame about being tempted at all has dissolved away into rage. How dare he? I find myself thinking, from the safe distance of a healed marriage, from behind the wall of love and security my husband has built around me. This is one truth: I did not ask for those things. The realization that what I put up with for almost a full year could have been, should have been, called sexual harassment, this realization obliterates everything else.
Because this is another truth: I was still vulnerable. There is something inside me that longed to be filled, to be openly adored and desired, and, let’s face it, after nine years of marriage, isn’t everyone a little tired of trying so hard all of the time? The temptation was strong. It would be a lie to push the burden of responsibility entirely onto the other person. But it would also be a lie to take the full weight of that responsibility.
From this side of mercy, Brandon and I tell each other all things. Everything has been laid bare here; every temptation, every hurt, every longing. He has seen it all, and he still loves me. He loves me, he loves me, he loves me.
From this side of mercy, I see the Word of God a bit differently. As a new believer, I viewed the Bible and its rules as guidelines to earn God’s love and acceptance. The B-I-B-L-E: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. How clever. The laws of God were given to keep me in line; if I followed them, then God would bless me. If I broke them, God would turn his back on me.
Over and over again, the psalmists praise God’s laws and precepts. “Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long,” the psalmist says in Psalm 119. What?! How could someone sing about rules? How could someone love the law, those restrictions, those barriers, how could someone praise God for the law?
From this side of mercy, however, I find myself singing along with the psalmist, “Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long.” It was the law, the Word of God, that showed me the way and said, now walk in it. The heart only wanted to be filled, immediately. I used to think the Law was given to earn God’s love, but now I see that the Law was given as a gift of love from God. The Law was a grace bearer. The Law, fulfilled in Christ, delivered me.
Here, child. I love you. I don’t want to see you in pain. Here, let me tell you what to do, even though you think this is the hardest thing you could do, here, let me show you the way so that you might walk in it, so that you might walk into the valley, through the desert, and enter the promised land. You will persevere; perseverance will produce character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint. You will do more than survive, my child, you will thrive.
Daily I sing, from this side of mercy, from this side of grace, from the broken but healed side of redemption, “Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long.”