Not Not Not :)

NOT pregnant! Woooooooo!

Okay, so it has been 47 days since my D&C and I was really starting to over-analyze all daily bodily functions like eating and sleeping, wondering and worrying whether I might-could be pregnant again. Not only has the whole content-with-two thing been hovering over my head, but physically it’s a baaaad idea to get pregnant again immediately after this procedure. It’s a lot more likely to miscarry again. BUT hurrah hurrah happy crampy mama this morning! Which explains my crankiness and critical attitude yesterday.

It annoys me that hormones have such an ability to manipulate emotions and perception. Fortunately for me, these “symptoms” are pretty mild usually, but unfortunately it doesn’t occur to me until afterward that that’s what was going on – I was just hormonal and exaggerating all emotional tendencies. Nice. I’ve come to realize that it is best to just keep my mouth shut for a day or so before I explode or implode, just to make sure I am in my right mind. Occasionally there’s the hysterical crying outburst and blathering that dredges up every wrong ever committed by Brandon (he’s the immediate bystander most of the time), followed by the next mornings, “Oh. Sorry. That’s what was going on.”

The peculiarity of this rejoicing is that four years ago, we were just beginning to wonder whether we would have children at all. After miscarriage #1 and the fears that a partial-mole pregnancy would spring cancerous cells on my insides, and then tests and tests, and then ovarian cysts and then miscarriage #2, every passing period felt like failure. Now we have two beautiful healthy children, and the thought of more terrifies my husband and launches a series of complicated emotions and anxieties in me. Have I forgotten how precious, fragile, and rare life actually is?

I see now how women in more desperate situations would contemplate abortions, have abortions even. Without the belief that every child is indeed a miracle, womb stirred by the finger of God, that tiny life could be “just another baby.” It’s just another mouth to feed. Granted, I am alll in favor of women and men being educated about prevention. For a woman who does not want babies immediately and cannot provide for a baby, better to not get pregnant than to deal with the complicated emotions that follow – keep the baby, abort the baby, put the baby up for adoption – and the complicated emotions that follow all of those options.

At the end of the day, my son literally jumps for joy to see me. Lydia buries her face in the folds of my skirt, wraps her arms around my legs. They both squeal with delight. How can I not squeal with delight as well? I am VERY grateful to be sitting here, all achy and recovering from an emotional uprising, but if the world turned a little differently for me today with different results, I would celebrate the outcome, hope for healthy babies, and know that I am blessed with yet another miracle.

Published by Sarah M. Wells

Sarah M. Wells is the author of The Family Bible Devotional: Stories from the Gospels to Help Kids and Parents Love God and Love Others (2022), American Honey: A Field Guide to Resisting Temptation (2021), Between the Heron and the Moss (2020), The Family Bible Devotional: Stories from the Bible to Help Kids and Parents Engage and Love Scripture (2018), Pruning Burning Bushes (2012), and a chapbook of poems, Acquiesce, winner of the 2008 Starting Gate Award through Finishing Line Press (2009). Sarah's work has been honored with four Pushcart Prize nominations, and her essays have appeared in the notable essays list in the Best American Essays 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2017, and 2018. Sarah is the recipient of a 2018 Individual Excellence Award from the Ohio Arts Council. She resides in Ashland, Ohio with her husband and three children.

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